I have always been acutely aware of my emotional state. I feel the shifts which occur, the ups downs extreme joys, the painful painful grief and depression.
I have learned that for me, it is best to listen, to own, to acknowledge what I’m feeling which makes it so very much easier to keep listening to what’s going on inside.
It is not a burden to listen and to hear, to take in deeply the changes going on.
So it was with immense joy of recognition of knowing today that a perceptible shift had occurred.
A buoyancy, a lightness, a warm joy filled my being today. As warm as playing doll house with your favorite niece. And warmer still.
I kept checking in all day to see if it was still there, and in doing so, I’d feel it again and it would tickle me sweetly.
I briefly wanted to give it a reason.
I searched for any obvious changes, the shifting new spring light, my being asked to do some future speaking and work for pay opportunities, having just completed my taxes, playing my saxophone more….oh there must be SOMETHING external to account for the warm tickle, warm glow seeping through my pores. But no, it was something else.
I have concluded that it is all and nothing of these externals. And the nothing part is a something internal piece.
An internal, deeply internal, deeply felt realization that weekly now, for the past 5 plus months, I am experiencing a deep bliss, a deep joy even ectascy when I attend Shabbat services on Saturday mornings.
It is a familiar yet so much deeper feeling from that which I habitually felt when I would attend weekly Surat Shabd Satsangs in Cambridge or Brookline. Then I was in my late 20’s, early 30’s, working too many hours, as well as getting a Masters degree, and of course consumed with an emotional and love life filled with mostly turmoil.
Singing Bhajans with love and devotion with a room full of people sitting cross legged, knowing we were sisters and brothers united by our love for our Guru, for our meditation. I went weekly to soak up this loving energy.
I slept a good deal at those Satsangs.
But when I wasn’t sleeping, I was overcome with an immense gratitude and love for the world and this aspect of my life.
Now at Saturday Shabbat services, I don’t sleep.
It is almost two hours of a surge of joy, bliss, feeling the presence of G-d, being absorbed in love.
Being personally, deeply internally absorbed, tears streaming down my face almost constantly as I read and pray and chant along with…
with a room full of people who are my famiy. Who I like being around, who I am falling in love with. People who talk to me and listen. People who are real. I may be the only one with streaks of salt water making my face glisten, but I hear love sung and voiced. I listen to these strange yet so deeply familiar words and watch my progress of seeing and understanding what comes next in the service.
I love the words and melodies and ritual and hearing and discussing a written piece of Torah. I am appreciating the significance of the Torah. I am loving being taken back to a time and place that is part of a past that is mine. I love thinking about the past, how we lived, what we loved.
I love coming to comprehend that Creation is the Gift which is celebrated;
celebrate the Creation with a day of reflecting on how wonderful it is.
I am feeling blown away by what happens to me to my body to my soul when I sit, stand, bend my knees and bow, again sit on Saturday mornings. I’m watching this happen to me. I’m experiencing it. I’m totally loving it.
Wow.
No kidding.
So, soon after this Saturday’s service, driving home, feeling wonderful, I said to myself: hmmmmm, I get to experiience such a tremendous lift, loft of gratitude and love each week, hmmmmm that’s truly marvelous. Hmmmmm, even if I expericnce my lonliness, my depression, my pining after my new love, my feeling about the loss of one or all of the four wonderful women from my life in five years (my sister, my wife, two extremely dear friends), hmmmmmm, even if I have hours of negativity….
Hell, being able to experience what I feel weekly, in services, is so amazing, so truly thrilling, that I need to focus on this; I need to understand that yes, there are lots of losses and pain that I feel…
But I feel a true shift in how I’m perceiving the state of my life. I am focusing more and more on the dozens of ways I am able to feel the presence of The Divine, of The Creator.
Of course at Shabbat service, but also often in my day.
By feeling The Creator, I feel and honor The Creation and
My life as part and parcel of This Creation.
My life being no more no less than a piece of the Whole.
Feeling Whole at Temple reminds me to feel it daily.
I had forgotten.
