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I am on the very cusp of my 63rd year,
and I have just now recognized,
honored, acknowledged, looked at……a habit of mine.

Something I feel I’ve always done, and haven’t known before.
That is: I love to mix up, match up, blend different things
to create new smells, new tastes, new entities.

I have a need, which has become habit
to mix and create and blend different spices, herbs,
food stuffs, different essential oils, scents
into creations of delicious smell and taste.

One of my earliest memories is in the kitchen of
one of my aunts. There I am with my mother, aunts,
or maybe just one aunt….
but it was in their kitchen.
They expertly pound and mix and measure
all the while talking
to me, to each other, a stream of movement,
flour, eggs, butter, water becoming dough
which they knead shape cut stretch and place
to their liking;
clean kitchen towels, well worn wooden spoons,
the scale to measure in deci kilograms,
and their hair wrapped in the requisite scarf
tied aunt Jemima style
to keep the stray hair from the food.

I watched these women
create joy and excellent taste.

I was as much a part of their doing and creating
as anyone there.
I was given some childproof simple chore,
simple yet essential to the final outcome of
their creation.

Crack the walnuts, separate the meat from the shells,
then grind my walnut meat prizes for sprinkling into
the apple sugar spice filling mix of apple strudel.
Peel the boiled chestnuts, making sure to get all of
the fuzzy crust off;
these were mixed with whipping cream, sugar and rum
for the delicacy of chestnut pudding.
Of course peel potatoes, with an extremely sharp knife
which I could wield like a pro before I was ten.
Or pit the prune plums, ready them for insertion into
the squares of potato dough,
soon to be delicious sugar filled, and breadcrumb coated
Hungarian plum dumplings.

I was able to watch, listen and create with these first
important women in my life.

All of my life I have watched women
sure, confident, clear
about the act of creating tastes and smells,
in homes and kitchens where they feel free to create.

Later in my life I created with other women,
women who were chosen family; women I fell
in love with.
We did alot of cooking and baking and talking and
creating together.

I saw the kitchens of the women of my chosen family
before we made our own kitchen
before we organized mingled
her wooden spoons, cutting boards,
pots and pans, knives, all of her essentials
with mine.

I was always fascinated by the kitchens of others;
the place you feed yourself and the ones you love
what you want the food to taste like,
not what someone else thinks tastes good.
Where you create your own good taste.
Where you trust your judgement to
create a taste which you’ll love,
which others will love,
or at least like.

So I watched and followed the women in my life.
And learned to create my own mixes and blends.

This mixing and blending which I bring to my life
gives me an opportunity to slow down,
do something which comes so naturally
that I don’t have to be fully conscious of the act.

I’m just conscious of how the thing will taste,
or smell. The knowing exactly what to add to
bring the taste, smell to perfection seems innate.
Habit.
I aim for divine smell and taste follows.

The mixing allows my mind to wonder
and wander
and relax.

Here I am getting out my curry spices,
putting them on the counter to mix match and blend
into a stunning creation of good taste.
My mortar and pestle is as important to me as the Sabatier
chef’s knife which my friend Demita gave me in my late 20’s,
which I still use, which I would be lost without.
I take cardamom seeds from their pods, grind with fennel,
celery seed, ajwain, cumin,
mix the ground blend with cayenne, cinnamon, turmeric.
I make a delicious curry.

And blending smells…. scents,
which I’ve always done,
which I learned to do from the women in my life
who I watched.

There I am looking at my entire shelf of scents,
on the top row of my medicine chest.
Lots of them.
I like to keep the bottles as long as I can cause
they remind me of when….

I take an empty small vial and begin smelling and mixing scents.
I trust that what I create I will love, at least like.
Created scents which I love to wear
because the smell excites my senses.

Lavenders, patchouli, sandalwood, rosemary
these are some of the primary loves of my life.
Once you’ve had the privilege of caring for one or more of these
fragrant ones, in plant form,
ahhh,
you come to know their cycles of growth and flowering
their attracting bees, their dissuading deer from chewing.
They are so very kind and prolific
when planted in a coastal, south facing full
sun…. well established….with love.
I loved them and continue to have them in my life.

I love to smell them each one each as well mixed and matched.

I love the act of mixing things in the kitchen and bath.
Things which I use routinely in my life,
things which make my life rich and joyous.
Smells and tastes which spark my soul.

And I have a prayer book which praises God for the creation
of delicious smell and taste.
Can you see the pure joy
the pure joy I feel when I give praise for the very things
I cherish and do habitually.
The pure joy of being able to read
in black on white
praise
which makes
me aware of smell and taste in my life.
Which has sparked my new knowledge of my habit of
putting good smells and taste into my life,
my unconscious habit of mixing matching blending
now made conscious.

Here I am on the cusp of my 63rd year and I fully know
something about myself
which I hadn’t before.
My love of mixing matching blending things to become delicious and fragrant.

A new piece of myself which I can own, love and appreciate.

The Havdalah candle emits a powerful flame. Four braided wicks burning as One Flame. Letting the world know we are here. We are not going away. We are strong. We are One. Our God is One. The many is One.

I love to light the Havdalah candle, say the Havdalah Blessings, smell the spices, drink the wine, read the Siddur passages and contemplate the transition from Shabbat to the mundane week; the passage from Sacred to Ordinary…and how to keep the Ordinary…Sacred.

I continue to be filled with acknowledgement of God’s work in my life. This is a blessing for which I’m incredibly grateful. I continue to pray for the ability to feel the joy and love which daily fills my soul.

The following is a passage from a poem “I’ll Let You In On a Secret” by Jacob Glatstein, as translated by Ruth Whitman:
“The day is departing with a quiet kiss.
It lies open at your feet
while you stand saying the blessings.
You can’t create anything yourself, but you
can lead the day to its end and see
clearly the smile of its going down.
See how whole it all is,
not diminished for a second,
how you age with the days
that keep dawning,
how you bring your lived-out day
as a gift to eternity.”

How you bring your lived-out day as a gift to eternity.

She is old; soon to be 13 the end of June, 2011. She is deaf; lost her hearing about 3 years ago. She has a growth under her left front paw pit (what would be a human arm pit). She no longer is in the lead when we walk. She’s taken doggie Callie’s spot before she died, in the rear. My new doggie Leo is now in the lead, with me in the middle, and Reilley dutifully keeping pace.

She is now so very precious to me. Margaret brought her home, to give Callie a friend to play with during our too long work days. Reilley was 6 months old when I first saw her. A too large head, baby teeth which were too widely spaced apart, and a willful attitude which caused her to run away her first day with us. The woman who found her was a dog lover and all was good, but she gave us a scare from the get-go. Callie remained the alpha dog, and Reilley was happy to do Callie’s bidding.
Callie was my favorite because of her extreme sensitivity to my moods and the way she could vocalize her pleasure at being held. When Callie died in August 2008 at 13.5 years old, I was thrilled to have Reilley as a living reminder of Margaret.

Now each day, I realize how very precious Reilley’s life is to me. I love her smell, a blend of sun drenched dog hair and musky dog. I love her otter shaped head and looks, her loving vocalizations, her ability to know my hand commands and the easy routine we have fallen into. Two walks a day, two meals a day, a “treat” of Mary’s vegetables and some grain at noon when Mary cooks lunch, her doggie bed, and the backyard which she is no longer interested in. Her life is 18 to 20 hours of naps and sleep, and 4 to 6 hours of fending off Leo’s humping attacks. She is tolerant. She is patient. She is loving. She is precious. She is Border Terrier.

And I will have another loss to deal with when she passes. I pray that we have at least two more years together.

I realize, deeply, daily, several times daily, that I take into my being,
into my totality,
the fact of my good fortune.
I have been granted my deepest prayer.

I have prayed lifelong, daily: God Help Me To Realize
That Loving You
is the Most Important Thing in my life.
I can honestly say that I have this.
Now.
At this time of my life.

And it came to fruition with Judaism.
I vowed during my Immersion into Living Waters,
my Conversion to a part of my being which always
felt that it was, but truly was not.

I did not understand and now I have so very much to understand
and absorb.
But which feels joyful, loving, beautiful. I have added Beauty to my life.
In comes daily in the form of Torah.
Torah has entered into my consciousness, into my being, into my depths.
At my Immersion I vowed that I would stop the sense of fruitlessness,
of negation, of grief
which twinged my totality.

I am now understanding at a deep level that I have
tremendous love for The Divine/The Oversoul/
The Melech of Creation/Adonai/Eloheinu/Shekinah/YHWH/God/
All Powers/Unfathomable/Unknowable/Compassionate/
Loving/Forgiving/Merciful/Creator of All.
I access this sense of love often.

How fortunate I am that I continue to have a spiritual community.
Such community has been in my life more years than not and I again have this.
People with whom I resonate,
with whom I can praise, glorify, sanctify, worship, love The Divine/Adonai…publicly, for all to see and feel and be part of.
A Rhythm of Rituals, Festivals, Social Being; of Divinity, Gratitude and Praise.

Which fills me with tremendous joy; and new purpose. New goals. New study and learning allowing me to continue to go deeply into my innermost being.

Which is where I like to be.

Mary began an eight week support group: Your Emotional Grace at the conclusion of her healing nutrition classes hosted by the Ventura Unitarian Church: Your Body’s Grace. She wanted to create a support group for women who required more and intensive prodding to deal with their negative self image. This negative self image which many women carry, which eats at the very heart and fabric of their being. It eats at their emotional health and is the primary factor in their poor physical health, reflected in their poor eating choices. Women are intimately connected to their sense of self via their bodies. Our looks, attractiveness, physical appeal to others has become a way for women to judge their worth.

I wish it were not so.
I wish that all women could realize that the true basis of their worth is the goodness of their actions towards others, the goodness of their intentions, the love they show towards others, the manifestation of God’s Spark in their souls.
As the first century B.C.E. Jewish Sage, Hillel said (and this is the foundation for: Love thy neighbor as thy self):
“What is hateful unto you, do not do unto your neighbor.”
This is the true merit of our being. Not our looks. Not our looks.

Thus once again, I conducted a group to provide women a safe place to share and become vulnerable to confront deep issues, fears, which keep them stuck in negative habits and thoughts. I have previously conducted such groups, thus felt comfortable with my charge:
(Taken from my ‘mission statement’ for this group)
I will call this group: Your Emotional Grace. You will learn that what you eat intimately affects your emotions, as well as a host of other body functions.
I will ask you to look at yourselves and to trust that you can tell what you find to other women who vow to not disdain you, to not mock you, to totally respect and hear what you have to say. If you become vulnerable to this group, you will be safe. These women may even come to love you.
This is what I expect and will do my best to assure its cultivation.
We will discuss your deeply held perceptions which have proven to be negative for you. We will find ways to change these perceptions and grow.

Now, at the conclusion of the eight weeks, I am thrilled to note here, publicly, that all of the eight women in this group have in fact made major strides in their emotional/physical selves.

With the goal of aiding women who also seek support to change the negative patterns/thoughts which keep them trapped in a body which they dislike (even despise), I am publishing the questions I’ve posed to this group to help their transformation.

Group I
1) What is your ethnicity and where did you grow up?
2) Do you cook? If yes, for how long have you done so, and do you feel comfortable doing it? If no, do you want to cook? What stops you?
3) What belief(s) about yourself do you wish to change?
4) When did you first come to believe this thought/idea/”fact” about yourself?
5) How has this thought/idea/”fact” served you in the past?
6) How does it no longer serve you?
7) Name at least 3 things (more of course!) that you do well, have mastered, are more than competent in. (I’m looking for you to talk about the achievements in your life.)

Group II
1) What DO you trust about yourself, and why?
2) When do you begin to take YOUR needs seriously? When do you honor what YOU need?
3) At what point in eating does the comfort turn to discomfort?
4) What does food numb you to?
5) List 3 ways you can increase your physical activity.
6) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How the desire to change is actually aiding the process of change.

Group III
CONCEPT: It is NOT deprivation to not eat food which causes pain. (Pain of physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, actual disease and disability.) This is not about deprivation; it is about “having.” When you feel better physically/emotionally then you are more alive; and are able to share your aliveness with others.

CONCEPT: Dieting will ALWAYS fail because in “dieting” we so deprive ourselves of sufficient calories AND nutrients, that we can only “take it” for so long before our cells literally scream for what we need. When we lack nutrients, we simply crave calories; thinking that the extra calories will meet our nutrient needs. Thus we don’t crave say high iron foods when we are anemic, rather we crave the sugary/salty/fatty foods which simply supply calories — LOTS of calories.
Also, “dieting” is fundamentally seen as “temporary”, thus the desire to be “off” the diet.

CONCEPT: The process of changing WHAT you eat literally changes the cellular makeup of your body, which changes your emotions.

CONCEPT: The process of changing HOW you think, changing your thoughts, also literally changes the neuropathways in our brain. We begin to create new neuron pathways leading to new thoughts, new feelings. We open up to new possibilities. We don’t get stuck in negative thoughts about ourselves which keep us from feeling totally alive. Joyful. Grateful. Loving.

1) Write about the women who have modeled for you hot to “be” regarding food, your body image, your worth, your work.
2) Regarding feeling “not good enough” write about how your life evidences PLENTY, BEING LOVED, YOUR GENEROSITY. What do you have ENOUGH of? For what are you grateful?
3) MIRROR WORK: each time you encounter a mirror in a private place (typically a bathroom): Look deeply into your eyes and say: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am.”
4) Begin to become clear about exactly what is shifting for you. Be able to say what is happening in your body, in how you perceive your self, your abilities.
5) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How your desire for change is actually aiding the process of change.

Group IV
CONCEPT: YOU ARE THE PARENT TO YOUR BODY. As such, as a parent would, do all things concerning your body with Unconditional Love, Patience, Acceptance, Trust in Good Outcome. This is truly about cherishing your body, your Self. Your body as a reflection of God.
As humans, we change because of abject fear, terror, shock…or love.

1) Formulate, state the NEW belief you are forming for yourself. (First state the OLD belief, then the NEW one.)
2) State in detail how you are making the new belief happen.
3) What are you doing for movement/exercise? Be specific.
4) Continue your Mirror Work.

Group V
CONCEPT: Understand that one can NOTICE, WITHOUT FORMING A JUDGEMENT.
You can notice things about yourself, your feelings, your attitudes, your body, as well as notice these things in others….and accept and love, rather than judge.

Remember that each time you do for yourself, any act of daily maintenance, from paying bills, to cleaning, shopping, cooking, housework, even eating…..do it with love. Each time you do for yourself without love, notice this and ask yourself why.
Why not kindness for yourself?

Also, take NO PRIDE in changing how and what you eat. This is NOT about feeling superior to others. Parenting oneself, caring for oneself is not a matter for pride, it is just something we do because we must do it; as a parent must care for their child. As you change your food choices to achieve self care, remember that Hitler was a vegetarian. If we judged one’s character based upon what they ate, we would be woefully woefully wrong.

1) What are your beliefs about moving your body?
Continue to stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of your process of change.

Group VI
In this group we cooked a meal together. We cooked and ate from Mary’s “Triad”: Protein/Vegetables/Whole Grains.

We had a feast of quinoa; Chinese style tofu and vegetables; Italian style tofu and vegetables; and for those who wished, sauteed shrimp with spinach. We also feasted on homemade crackers and guacamole dip; vegetarian chili beans; and a 3 bean salad. Dessert was a fresh assortment of berries and soy cream.

As we cooked we discussed easy and practical cooking tips, keeping it simple, and no need for fear!

As we ate we discussed how one knows what Satiety/Satisfaction feel like; how to know when to stop eating. And we discussed the process of becoming overweight: how one accommodates the body to slowly and continually being able to eat more. The slow progression of gastro-intestinal problems, aches and pains, poor lab results, dislike of movement, etc. And how likewise, in the reverse process of gaining a body of health, one must slowly and continually accommodate the new feelings of eating less, eating different choices. The things one must stay aware of in regard to what is placed in our mouths. Just as we stay quite aware of what is placed in our bodies, on our bodies.

Group VII
This group consisted of Mary doing individual assessments of each woman’s progress.
Nearly all of the eight women were able to fundamentally change their old, no-longer-useful negative self perceptions.

One of the women who felt “not good enough” was clearly able to see that: “There is no such thing as earning the right to be.” She is involved in a Course in Miracles and could thus state, with conviction: “Illusion recognized must disappear.”

One of women who believed that her entire life is chaos was able to sense a paradigm shift in her perceptions about stress. She had begun to recognize: the point that her stress begins in her day (vs. previously never recognizing stress, and automatically thinking the generalization that her entire life is chaos; and using food to numb to this overwhelming belief). She was now able to drink water, breathe deeply, read, walk, garden, and make better food choices as ways to deal with stress.

Several of the women stated what they are NO LONGER BUYING in the grocery store (ice cream, crackers, chips, chocolate, and white flour products, white rice and refined grain products).
Awareness of what you no longer eat is a wonderful way to see what you now allow into your being/for your being.

For the eighth and final session, the women were asked to respond to these questions:
1) Please state as specifically as you can, how your life has changed in the past eight weeks re: Your Body; Your Appetite/Cravings; Your Moods; Your Sense of Self and Your Love of Yourself.
2) Can you foresee things changing back to how you previously felt? How “ingrained” is your knowing that how you feel now is better?
3) How would you change the group process to improve your experience?

Group VIII
At this final session the women responded to the questions above, as well as reiterating the things they planned to do to continue their changes. And generally, Mary reminded them of the need to Parent Their Bodies: to eat well to create a healthy “cellular soup” for their mental as well as their physical health. To use deep breathing as a tool to relieve stress. To create new intentions and attitudes about loving yourself. To use Mirror Work and KINDNESS TO YOUR SOUL to allow you to totally remove guilt and self abnegation. AND, to take pleasure in eating and doing that which allows you to remain whole, vital, and alive.

Rabbi Shoshanah Devorah lives and tends her garden of Souls
in Mendocino County.
She is a white haired beauty who has always been exquisitely kind to me.
Twice now, at critical junctures in my life,
once after Margaret’s death,
and again in December 2010,
she has lent me her ear,
her counsel,
her heart and goodness.

She has held my face in her hands
and wished me grace,
wished for me God’s face shining on mine,
and the presence of peace.

She has wished for me God’s face shining on mine.

Such a wish is what someone tells their child,
their dearest loved one.
Such a wish is only spoken from one soul to the other.
From one who has yearned for, maybe even felt
God’s face shining on theirs.

This wish she gave to me.

Today I received another Blessing from this kind woman:

Dear Mary,
Seems to me your “being Jewish” ceremony is coming up in just two weeks now, so I want to wish you a big Mazal Tov! May the occasion be even grander/deeper/higher than you can imagine, and may your Jewish life continue to reward you, and those you touch, deeply in the years to come.
I am present with you energetically as you affirm who you are,

B’shalom oovracha
Bruchah HaBa’ah
In Peace and Blessing and Welcome,
Shoshanah

May the occasion be even grander/deeper/higher than I can imagine.

And I realize that I am coming into a sacred moment of my life.

I will share my deepest love of God with others.

Dear Lizi,
I have lied to you. I have lied to myself. It doesn’t truly get better.
The hole is still there.
It may shrink some,it may develop a thin film, a thin veneer of sweetness,
even joy, but the hole remains.
All I wish to do now is dive into the hole and never surface.
Five years and it is as fresh as painful as day one.
In fact more so because the shock, that protective sheath of disbelief
is gone.
Forgive me.

My Dearest Adonai,

I don’t possess Hebrew.
I don’t have the words to the prayers.
I don’t have the times to bend my knees
and the pattern of Shabbos service.
I don’t know all the Prophets, Psalms,
books of Torah,
I don’t know Talmud, Midrash, the myraid Rabbis,
I don’t know the calendar, all the festivals, holy days,

I don’t know much about You and Your People,
All People,
I don’t know so very very much.

I do know that I love you with all of my heart and soul.

And I am eternally Grateful that You have created me.

I have just now considered the people in my life who I love deeply.
Who I may not see or talk to for months, even years for one, and when we do we automatically go deep, our conversation goes to the heart of the matter, quickly, easily, effortlessly.
I counted a goodly six to nine of such friends. Those who I could call day or night, for anything. Those who I love and trust with my life.
I visited these friends early this November and all too briefly, revived the connection with them.

I wish to be always able to help create sparks of connection, and love.

I am counting Helena as one of these friends. She has careened into the ranks of ‘Those Who I love and Trust With My Life’ in such a short time. She has done what it took 20 to 30 years for the others to attain, in only a year. She has become one of the people who I love deeply.
We will be deep and excellent friends. We both want this.

Thus, I have opened myself up again to Adonai, to the Universe, to my fate. I have opened myself to the possibilities of touch, with whomever Adonai brings into my life. I have examined my heart, I know my heart; it can handle deep love, deep friendship, with yet another woman.

I am so grateful that I have another way of calling to God.

I now call out ADONAI, ADONAI, ADONAI as I take my nightly walk. ADONAI is now added to the other names I have for God, Sovereign of the Universe, Eternal One, Formless One, One found in each of Us.

I now say the Sh’ma Yisrael and blessings for the return of my soul…daily.
Blessed is God’s glorious majesty foreveer and ever!

I now have new words to sing the praises of this God, this Being, this Force, this Goodness which I experience daily; which I truly cannot say exactly what/who/where She/He/It is, but I know it is there/here/in my life…daily.

I am so happy to have more ways, exquisite ways, more words, prayers, psalms, songs, poetry, more people I have come to appreciate and love, more ways to praise God.

I am so happy that I have found Judaism.