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“i am accused of tending to the past”
       by  Lucille Clifton

i am accused of tending to the past
as if i made it,
as if i sculpted it
with my own hands.  i did not.
this past was waiting for me
when i came,
a monstrous unnamed baby,
and i with my mother’s itch took it to breast
and named it
History.
she is more human now,
learning languages everyday,
remembering faces, names an dates.
when she is strong enough to travel
on her own, beware, she will.

[Lucille Clifton b. 1936 d. 2010, was a phenomenal poet who wrote about feminist and African American themes.]

I awake in my bed this morning, not yours.
My legs search for the luxury of your warmth in vain.
Back and forth your house mine.
Were it not for precise schedules long discussed
written down
schedules not remembered
without a book
we could not track whose bed we sleep in.

One, two nights at the most we sleep alone
else the hunger for your touch
slay me.

Time…..a commodity 
a cognitive construct 
a shaping of reality
a shaping of sanctity
a figment of our imagination
relative

too little
too late
right on
not enough
too much 
does anyone ever have too much
what to do with it all
waiting
rushing
too busy
just enough

When I am with you
there is never enough
When I am with you
it is suspended
in the exquisite 
present

When I am not with you
I wait
I long for….breathless
I hunger for….breathless
time with you

I used to wallow in time
some days it felt oppressive
the   l-o-n-g   s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s
of sorrow

The sorrow is long past
its intensity will not enable
forgetting

But it now enables 
relishing
sweetness
sweetness
glory in Gratitude
for my Time with you

I was recently told
by another woman
that she finds me beautiful.

I believe telling another woman
that she is beautiful
should never be said lightly,
without total conviction.

And should always be received,
with total conviction.

For the beauty that one sees in another
is only their reflection of G-d.

I am so very happy to have the opportunity
in my lifetime
to be able to write
11/11/11
as the date.

We can notice
things, people, ourselves
but not judge.

When you notice
and not judge,
not even have to judge…

When you notice
others, strangers,
especially strangers
who we are to love as ourselves

When you notice
and not judge
yourself
You begin the spiral towards happiness.

I’ve spoken deeply with four women who have recently, within the past two years, lost partners. Three to death. One to relationship loss. Each tells me that their deepest yearning, their deepest loss is Being Known. They miss the fact of another human knowing them intimately. They miss this the most, long for this the most. They want to be KNOWN intimately, deeply by another human being. When married/partnered, each had this sense of Being Known. This lack is the soul and heart longing which causes them the most grief.

I too want dearly to Be Known. Known by someone who is a soul-heart-mind-body partner, help-mate, equal-mate, life-mate to me. Having someone to hear and share in the process of life.
The Hebrews’ have a concept of “A Neighbor in Heaven.” A heavenly neighbor who is a friend and deeply trusted; a heavenly partner whose spiritual qualities are equal to one’s own. I am seeking my soul’s Heavenly Neighbor/Partner right here, on earth.

I wrote the above during the end of another magnificent summer of solo, plus two dogs, travel. Nearly 4,000 miles of seeing this country’s most magnificent roads and scenery. At one destination, I attended a Jewish Women’s Retreat in northern California; this is where I engaged in deep conversation with the four women above.

All of the women at this retreat were tasked with the command: Yetsi’at Mitzrayim! the command to Go Forth! Go forth from where you presently are. Go forth from your place of narrowness; from your place of “being stuck.” Your very own Exodus from that internal place of narrow enslavement. As God commanded Abraham: “Lekh Lekhah!” Go! Leave! Leave your familiar surroundings and seek your path.
As Life asks of us, sometimes too often in our lives, Go Forth into a new existence. Build a new life and come out on top! Go Forth and begin anew.

At this Jewish Women’s Retreat, we were asked to discover that thing, that place of narrowness/constriction which keeps us stuck, keeps us trapped; and to begin the leaving process.
What are we leaving behind?
What do we take?
How do we prepare?
What do we wish our future to look like?

I chose to leave my ‘heart sickness’ behind. Or rather, I chose to CONTINUE the process of leaving heart sickness. I chose to continue to move into new possibilities, embracing Life.

We Jews have just concluded our New Year/Repentance/Forgiveness Holy Days of Awe. We now enter our Days of Gratitude, of Rejoicing, of Joy. On the Saturday of the Yom Kippur service my Rabbi asked of our group: “What do you wish to let go of?” AND “What do you wish to let in?”

So twice now, within the past three months I have been asked to Go Forth! Leave the Old! Begin Anew! Know what I wish to let go of.
In August it was heart sickness.
At Yom Kippur I chose to release the ENTIRE BAG of GRIEF which I have carried around for far too long. My sister’s death, Margaret’s death, love unrequited; even the grief of family lost in the Holocaust. I am now ready to shrug it off my back, off my being. Throw it AWAY. I prayed mightily that this be so.

Now, days later, it certainly feels that I have tossed grief aside. Will it last, this feeling, this freedom, this ability to just feel the love and joy of This Dear World, without the grief. I don’t know. But I BELIEVE it will last. I know I must stay conscious of the process, of the INTENTION to let the grief go. I want to shoo shoo shoo it away.

Thus….I can truly no longer say that I am longing to be known.

I’m happy knowing myself. Knowing that I can shift my emotions; that I can stay open to Life and its possibilities.

I stretch daily, often more than once; five minutes,
sometimes more each time.
If not done, then the pain and stiffness of my right side become
unbearable. So that I focus too much on pain.

So I stretch. I feel myself loosen, open more, fuller, releasing pain.
I gauge my pain level today vs. last week, yesterday.
Even when there is no discernible improvement,
I love to feel the transition of the stretch…
the part of my flesh, my fabric, my being which does not hurt,
moves easily, freely, joyfully,
with the parts that speak age, stiffness, chronic pain tight rigid.

I give myself this stretching because afterwards

my melting pain
allows my heart to open wide

take in the grandeur of the beauty of the day
the rightness of outcomes
the many things I hold gratitude for
the fullness of life
the very fact that I can move.

Blessings seems too trite a word for the glorious expanse I have in my life.
For the grandeur which is my life.
To have the ability to have gratitude for all that I have.
Of late I have had gratitude for my ability to breathe, walk,
watch a flock of birds fly eastward with the sunset’s rosey glow reflected
on their beating wings.
For a car that works, that reliably gets me to and fro.
For a to and fro to go to.
For the counterpoint of busy and significant things to do, listening,
helping to make change in how people feel,
having a clear purpose versus… doing nothing.
That one day, even two in a week, certainly Shabbat, to not go and do;
rather to just be.
Do exactly what I wish to do. Purposely not create, not commerce.

For my deeply heartfelt, mind, soul and body felt love of God.
For the ability to read the Torah and feel elation. My entire being is sparked, aglow with this Book.
Feeling as if I’m steeped in the love of God. Soulful Bliss.

For the ability to hear Rabbi Gershon Winkler (www.walkingstick.org) pour out nuggets of gold, silver, precious jewels of Wisdom, weekly. He comes to my Temple. He comes to us, those who love him. Weekly. I get to hear some finely tuned essence of Truth, essence of The Divine, from him, weekly.

For the splendid, continuing reception I receive from strangers who already feel as family. Temple members. Who are genuine. Real. Deep. And expect the same of me.

For the two creatures who inhabit my world, Reilley and Leo. These two canine souls who I love, who show me daily how to have fun.

Blessings All.

Blessings because they are Given.
I deserve this munificence no more than the next.
Awareness of this allows me to have Gratitude and Joy;
to give to my mind a glimmer of what my soul feels.
Rabbi Gershon first allowed me to realize that a mind wants total Joy too;
an Ah Ha moment if there ever was one, when he said:
The body and mind are always searching for what the Soul feels.
My mind dances in the words of the Torah, in the words of Gershon’s love of Life.

Tonight I asked a 65 y.o. woman: What do you want that only you can give yourself?

Of course I had to answer this question myself;
and did so as I walked with Leo and Reilley tonight,
full moon in Pices.

What is it that only you can give yourself?
Why, love, respect, dignity. And forgiveness, compassion.

Gotten from others, maybe, hopefully;
but truly fulfilling when we give it to ourselves.