Author: Mary Aviyah Farkas

I am so very happy to have the opportunity
in my lifetime
to be able to write
11/11/11
as the date.

We can notice
things, people, ourselves
but not judge.

When you notice
and not judge,
not even have to judge…

When you notice
others, strangers,
especially strangers
who we are to love as ourselves

When you notice
and not judge
yourself
You begin the spiral towards happiness.

I’ve spoken deeply with four women who have recently, within the past two years, lost partners. Three to death. One to relationship loss. Each tells me that their deepest yearning, their deepest loss is Being Known. They miss the fact of another human knowing them intimately. They miss this the most, long for this the most. They want to be KNOWN intimately, deeply by another human being. When married/partnered, each had this sense of Being Known. This lack is the soul and heart longing which causes them the most grief.

I too want dearly to Be Known. Known by someone who is a soul-heart-mind-body partner, help-mate, equal-mate, life-mate to me. Having someone to hear and share in the process of life.
The Hebrews’ have a concept of “A Neighbor in Heaven.” A heavenly neighbor who is a friend and deeply trusted; a heavenly partner whose spiritual qualities are equal to one’s own. I am seeking my soul’s Heavenly Neighbor/Partner right here, on earth.

I wrote the above during the end of another magnificent summer of solo, plus two dogs, travel. Nearly 4,000 miles of seeing this country’s most magnificent roads and scenery. At one destination, I attended a Jewish Women’s Retreat in northern California; this is where I engaged in deep conversation with the four women above.

All of the women at this retreat were tasked with the command: Yetsi’at Mitzrayim! the command to Go Forth! Go forth from where you presently are. Go forth from your place of narrowness; from your place of “being stuck.” Your very own Exodus from that internal place of narrow enslavement. As God commanded Abraham: “Lekh Lekhah!” Go! Leave! Leave your familiar surroundings and seek your path.
As Life asks of us, sometimes too often in our lives, Go Forth into a new existence. Build a new life and come out on top! Go Forth and begin anew.

At this Jewish Women’s Retreat, we were asked to discover that thing, that place of narrowness/constriction which keeps us stuck, keeps us trapped; and to begin the leaving process.
What are we leaving behind?
What do we take?
How do we prepare?
What do we wish our future to look like?

I chose to leave my ‘heart sickness’ behind. Or rather, I chose to CONTINUE the process of leaving heart sickness. I chose to continue to move into new possibilities, embracing Life.

We Jews have just concluded our New Year/Repentance/Forgiveness Holy Days of Awe. We now enter our Days of Gratitude, of Rejoicing, of Joy. On the Saturday of the Yom Kippur service my Rabbi asked of our group: “What do you wish to let go of?” AND “What do you wish to let in?”

So twice now, within the past three months I have been asked to Go Forth! Leave the Old! Begin Anew! Know what I wish to let go of.
In August it was heart sickness.
At Yom Kippur I chose to release the ENTIRE BAG of GRIEF which I have carried around for far too long. My sister’s death, Margaret’s death, love unrequited; even the grief of family lost in the Holocaust. I am now ready to shrug it off my back, off my being. Throw it AWAY. I prayed mightily that this be so.

Now, days later, it certainly feels that I have tossed grief aside. Will it last, this feeling, this freedom, this ability to just feel the love and joy of This Dear World, without the grief. I don’t know. But I BELIEVE it will last. I know I must stay conscious of the process, of the INTENTION to let the grief go. I want to shoo shoo shoo it away.

Thus….I can truly no longer say that I am longing to be known.

I’m happy knowing myself. Knowing that I can shift my emotions; that I can stay open to Life and its possibilities.

I stretch daily, often more than once; five minutes,
sometimes more each time.
If not done, then the pain and stiffness of my right side become
unbearable. So that I focus too much on pain.

So I stretch. I feel myself loosen, open more, fuller, releasing pain.
I gauge my pain level today vs. last week, yesterday.
Even when there is no discernible improvement,
I love to feel the transition of the stretch…
the part of my flesh, my fabric, my being which does not hurt,
moves easily, freely, joyfully,
with the parts that speak age, stiffness, chronic pain tight rigid.

I give myself this stretching because afterwards

my melting pain
allows my heart to open wide

take in the grandeur of the beauty of the day
the rightness of outcomes
the many things I hold gratitude for
the fullness of life
the very fact that I can move.

Blessings seems too trite a word for the glorious expanse I have in my life.
For the grandeur which is my life.
To have the ability to have gratitude for all that I have.
Of late I have had gratitude for my ability to breathe, walk,
watch a flock of birds fly eastward with the sunset’s rosey glow reflected
on their beating wings.
For a car that works, that reliably gets me to and fro.
For a to and fro to go to.
For the counterpoint of busy and significant things to do, listening,
helping to make change in how people feel,
having a clear purpose versus… doing nothing.
That one day, even two in a week, certainly Shabbat, to not go and do;
rather to just be.
Do exactly what I wish to do. Purposely not create, not commerce.

For my deeply heartfelt, mind, soul and body felt love of God.
For the ability to read the Torah and feel elation. My entire being is sparked, aglow with this Book.
Feeling as if I’m steeped in the love of God. Soulful Bliss.

For the ability to hear Rabbi Gershon Winkler (www.walkingstick.org) pour out nuggets of gold, silver, precious jewels of Wisdom, weekly. He comes to my Temple. He comes to us, those who love him. Weekly. I get to hear some finely tuned essence of Truth, essence of The Divine, from him, weekly.

For the splendid, continuing reception I receive from strangers who already feel as family. Temple members. Who are genuine. Real. Deep. And expect the same of me.

For the two creatures who inhabit my world, Reilley and Leo. These two canine souls who I love, who show me daily how to have fun.

Blessings All.

Blessings because they are Given.
I deserve this munificence no more than the next.
Awareness of this allows me to have Gratitude and Joy;
to give to my mind a glimmer of what my soul feels.
Rabbi Gershon first allowed me to realize that a mind wants total Joy too;
an Ah Ha moment if there ever was one, when he said:
The body and mind are always searching for what the Soul feels.
My mind dances in the words of the Torah, in the words of Gershon’s love of Life.

Tonight I asked a 65 y.o. woman: What do you want that only you can give yourself?

Of course I had to answer this question myself;
and did so as I walked with Leo and Reilley tonight,
full moon in Pices.

What is it that only you can give yourself?
Why, love, respect, dignity. And forgiveness, compassion.

Gotten from others, maybe, hopefully;
but truly fulfilling when we give it to ourselves.

I am on the very cusp of my 63rd year,
and I have just now recognized,
honored, acknowledged, looked at……a habit of mine.

Something I feel I’ve always done, and haven’t known before.
That is: I love to mix up, match up, blend different things
to create new smells, new tastes, new entities.

I have a need, which has become habit
to mix and create and blend different spices, herbs,
food stuffs, different essential oils, scents
into creations of delicious smell and taste.

One of my earliest memories is in the kitchen of
one of my aunts. There I am with my mother, aunts,
or maybe just one aunt….
but it was in their kitchen.
They expertly pound and mix and measure
all the while talking
to me, to each other, a stream of movement,
flour, eggs, butter, water becoming dough
which they knead shape cut stretch and place
to their liking;
clean kitchen towels, well worn wooden spoons,
the scale to measure in deci kilograms,
and their hair wrapped in the requisite scarf
tied aunt Jemima style
to keep the stray hair from the food.

I watched these women
create joy and excellent taste.

I was as much a part of their doing and creating
as anyone there.
I was given some childproof simple chore,
simple yet essential to the final outcome of
their creation.

Crack the walnuts, separate the meat from the shells,
then grind my walnut meat prizes for sprinkling into
the apple sugar spice filling mix of apple strudel.
Peel the boiled chestnuts, making sure to get all of
the fuzzy crust off;
these were mixed with whipping cream, sugar and rum
for the delicacy of chestnut pudding.
Of course peel potatoes, with an extremely sharp knife
which I could wield like a pro before I was ten.
Or pit the prune plums, ready them for insertion into
the squares of potato dough,
soon to be delicious sugar filled, and breadcrumb coated
Hungarian plum dumplings.

I was able to watch, listen and create with these first
important women in my life.

All of my life I have watched women
sure, confident, clear
about the act of creating tastes and smells,
in homes and kitchens where they feel free to create.

Later in my life I created with other women,
women who were chosen family; women I fell
in love with.
We did alot of cooking and baking and talking and
creating together.

I saw the kitchens of the women of my chosen family
before we made our own kitchen
before we organized mingled
her wooden spoons, cutting boards,
pots and pans, knives, all of her essentials
with mine.

I was always fascinated by the kitchens of others;
the place you feed yourself and the ones you love
what you want the food to taste like,
not what someone else thinks tastes good.
Where you create your own good taste.
Where you trust your judgement to
create a taste which you’ll love,
which others will love,
or at least like.

So I watched and followed the women in my life.
And learned to create my own mixes and blends.

This mixing and blending which I bring to my life
gives me an opportunity to slow down,
do something which comes so naturally
that I don’t have to be fully conscious of the act.

I’m just conscious of how the thing will taste,
or smell. The knowing exactly what to add to
bring the taste, smell to perfection seems innate.
Habit.
I aim for divine smell and taste follows.

The mixing allows my mind to wonder
and wander
and relax.

Here I am getting out my curry spices,
putting them on the counter to mix match and blend
into a stunning creation of good taste.
My mortar and pestle is as important to me as the Sabatier
chef’s knife which my friend Demita gave me in my late 20’s,
which I still use, which I would be lost without.
I take cardamom seeds from their pods, grind with fennel,
celery seed, ajwain, cumin,
mix the ground blend with cayenne, cinnamon, turmeric.
I make a delicious curry.

And blending smells…. scents,
which I’ve always done,
which I learned to do from the women in my life
who I watched.

There I am looking at my entire shelf of scents,
on the top row of my medicine chest.
Lots of them.
I like to keep the bottles as long as I can cause
they remind me of when….

I take an empty small vial and begin smelling and mixing scents.
I trust that what I create I will love, at least like.
Created scents which I love to wear
because the smell excites my senses.

Lavenders, patchouli, sandalwood, rosemary
these are some of the primary loves of my life.
Once you’ve had the privilege of caring for one or more of these
fragrant ones, in plant form,
ahhh,
you come to know their cycles of growth and flowering
their attracting bees, their dissuading deer from chewing.
They are so very kind and prolific
when planted in a coastal, south facing full
sun…. well established….with love.
I loved them and continue to have them in my life.

I love to smell them each one each as well mixed and matched.

I love the act of mixing things in the kitchen and bath.
Things which I use routinely in my life,
things which make my life rich and joyous.
Smells and tastes which spark my soul.

And I have a prayer book which praises God for the creation
of delicious smell and taste.
Can you see the pure joy
the pure joy I feel when I give praise for the very things
I cherish and do habitually.
The pure joy of being able to read
in black on white
praise
which makes
me aware of smell and taste in my life.
Which has sparked my new knowledge of my habit of
putting good smells and taste into my life,
my unconscious habit of mixing matching blending
now made conscious.

Here I am on the cusp of my 63rd year and I fully know
something about myself
which I hadn’t before.
My love of mixing matching blending things to become delicious and fragrant.

A new piece of myself which I can own, love and appreciate.

The Havdalah candle emits a powerful flame. Four braided wicks burning as One Flame. Letting the world know we are here. We are not going away. We are strong. We are One. Our God is One. The many is One.

I love to light the Havdalah candle, say the Havdalah Blessings, smell the spices, drink the wine, read the Siddur passages and contemplate the transition from Shabbat to the mundane week; the passage from Sacred to Ordinary…and how to keep the Ordinary…Sacred.

I continue to be filled with acknowledgement of God’s work in my life. This is a blessing for which I’m incredibly grateful. I continue to pray for the ability to feel the joy and love which daily fills my soul.

The following is a passage from a poem “I’ll Let You In On a Secret” by Jacob Glatstein, as translated by Ruth Whitman:
“The day is departing with a quiet kiss.
It lies open at your feet
while you stand saying the blessings.
You can’t create anything yourself, but you
can lead the day to its end and see
clearly the smile of its going down.
See how whole it all is,
not diminished for a second,
how you age with the days
that keep dawning,
how you bring your lived-out day
as a gift to eternity.”

How you bring your lived-out day as a gift to eternity.