Reclaiming My Foot

Today I touched my right foot, my fractured ankle right foot, for the first time in a month. It had been under wraps in a too tight large blood blister pain causing splint; in a too heavy, feeling like I’m dragging a 100 pound ball and chain plaster of Paris cast; in lighter yet terribly confining and still too heavy fiberglass casts. I’d not seen my foot, my skin had been untouchable, for weeks.

Today I was free to look and touch. To take a good look at the shriveled, reptile peeling discolored skin, healing blood tattooed blister scabs, the edematous toes, the suture scars, the badly shrunken calf muscle, the clean nicely healed incisions. Today I was finally able to see what one month post fracture, two weeks post surgery does to the human foot.

Today I touched this foot, this fractured appendage which I’d disowned, which I’d only related to in disbelief, incredulity, shock, denial. I had disenfranchised myself from this painful visible evidence of my inconceivable fall, this inconceivable fracture which overnight caused major disruption to my life. I had distanced myself, my heart, my being from this fractured foot.

It caused tremendous pain, especially at night disrupting sleep; it could not be wet; it lay uncomfortably propped on always falling pillows. It was the encumbrance reminding me of the terrible inconceivable life altering fall of January 14, 2012. The fall occurred while walking my two doggies. I’d bent down to adjust one collar and when I stood up, the leash got tangled in my fancy, new, distinctly flawed design of the soles of my Saucony Pro Grid running shoe. The leash wrapped around the fancy “support” round outcroppings of the sole, and suddenly I was lassoed, as in the old cowboy movies. Boom! I was down! No warning! Down I went and landed on my right foot, badly fracturing my ankle.

Today I slowly felt this fractured foot. My foot. I slowly allowed the reality of my injury to curse through me. I took ownership of my mishap, my misfortune, and the ugly repercussions. Today I gently applied a sweet scented body cream to every inch of my poorly neglected foot. I massaged, felt, caressed and poured love and my life back into this so taken for granted vital part of me.
And I cried.