Mary began an eight week support group: Your Emotional Grace at the conclusion of her healing nutrition classes hosted by the Ventura Unitarian Church: Your Body’s Grace. She wanted to create a support group for women who required more and intensive prodding to deal with their negative self image. This negative self image which many women carry, which eats at the very heart and fabric of their being. It eats at their emotional health and is the primary factor in their poor physical health, reflected in their poor eating choices. Women are intimately connected to their sense of self via their bodies. Our looks, attractiveness, physical appeal to others has become a way for women to judge their worth.
I wish it were not so.
I wish that all women could realize that the true basis of their worth is the goodness of their actions towards others, the goodness of their intentions, the love they show towards others, the manifestation of God’s Spark in their souls.
As the first century B.C.E. Jewish Sage, Hillel said (and this is the foundation for: Love thy neighbor as thy self):
“What is hateful unto you, do not do unto your neighbor.”
This is the true merit of our being. Not our looks. Not our looks.
Thus once again, I conducted a group to provide women a safe place to share and become vulnerable to confront deep issues, fears, which keep them stuck in negative habits and thoughts. I have previously conducted such groups, thus felt comfortable with my charge:
(Taken from my ‘mission statement’ for this group)
I will call this group: Your Emotional Grace. You will learn that what you eat intimately affects your emotions, as well as a host of other body functions.
I will ask you to look at yourselves and to trust that you can tell what you find to other women who vow to not disdain you, to not mock you, to totally respect and hear what you have to say. If you become vulnerable to this group, you will be safe. These women may even come to love you.
This is what I expect and will do my best to assure its cultivation.
We will discuss your deeply held perceptions which have proven to be negative for you. We will find ways to change these perceptions and grow.
Now, at the conclusion of the eight weeks, I am thrilled to note here, publicly, that all of the eight women in this group have in fact made major strides in their emotional/physical selves.
With the goal of aiding women who also seek support to change the negative patterns/thoughts which keep them trapped in a body which they dislike (even despise), I am publishing the questions I’ve posed to this group to help their transformation.
Group I
1) What is your ethnicity and where did you grow up?
2) Do you cook? If yes, for how long have you done so, and do you feel comfortable doing it? If no, do you want to cook? What stops you?
3) What belief(s) about yourself do you wish to change?
4) When did you first come to believe this thought/idea/”fact” about yourself?
5) How has this thought/idea/”fact” served you in the past?
6) How does it no longer serve you?
7) Name at least 3 things (more of course!) that you do well, have mastered, are more than competent in. (I’m looking for you to talk about the achievements in your life.)
Group II
1) What DO you trust about yourself, and why?
2) When do you begin to take YOUR needs seriously? When do you honor what YOU need?
3) At what point in eating does the comfort turn to discomfort?
4) What does food numb you to?
5) List 3 ways you can increase your physical activity.
6) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How the desire to change is actually aiding the process of change.
Group III
CONCEPT: It is NOT deprivation to not eat food which causes pain. (Pain of physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, actual disease and disability.) This is not about deprivation; it is about “having.” When you feel better physically/emotionally then you are more alive; and are able to share your aliveness with others.
CONCEPT: Dieting will ALWAYS fail because in “dieting” we so deprive ourselves of sufficient calories AND nutrients, that we can only “take it” for so long before our cells literally scream for what we need. When we lack nutrients, we simply crave calories; thinking that the extra calories will meet our nutrient needs. Thus we don’t crave say high iron foods when we are anemic, rather we crave the sugary/salty/fatty foods which simply supply calories — LOTS of calories.
Also, “dieting” is fundamentally seen as “temporary”, thus the desire to be “off” the diet.
CONCEPT: The process of changing WHAT you eat literally changes the cellular makeup of your body, which changes your emotions.
CONCEPT: The process of changing HOW you think, changing your thoughts, also literally changes the neuropathways in our brain. We begin to create new neuron pathways leading to new thoughts, new feelings. We open up to new possibilities. We don’t get stuck in negative thoughts about ourselves which keep us from feeling totally alive. Joyful. Grateful. Loving.
1) Write about the women who have modeled for you hot to “be” regarding food, your body image, your worth, your work.
2) Regarding feeling “not good enough” write about how your life evidences PLENTY, BEING LOVED, YOUR GENEROSITY. What do you have ENOUGH of? For what are you grateful?
3) MIRROR WORK: each time you encounter a mirror in a private place (typically a bathroom): Look deeply into your eyes and say: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am.”
4) Begin to become clear about exactly what is shifting for you. Be able to say what is happening in your body, in how you perceive your self, your abilities.
5) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How your desire for change is actually aiding the process of change.
Group IV
CONCEPT: YOU ARE THE PARENT TO YOUR BODY. As such, as a parent would, do all things concerning your body with Unconditional Love, Patience, Acceptance, Trust in Good Outcome. This is truly about cherishing your body, your Self. Your body as a reflection of God.
As humans, we change because of abject fear, terror, shock…or love.
1) Formulate, state the NEW belief you are forming for yourself. (First state the OLD belief, then the NEW one.)
2) State in detail how you are making the new belief happen.
3) What are you doing for movement/exercise? Be specific.
4) Continue your Mirror Work.
Group V
CONCEPT: Understand that one can NOTICE, WITHOUT FORMING A JUDGEMENT.
You can notice things about yourself, your feelings, your attitudes, your body, as well as notice these things in others….and accept and love, rather than judge.
Remember that each time you do for yourself, any act of daily maintenance, from paying bills, to cleaning, shopping, cooking, housework, even eating…..do it with love. Each time you do for yourself without love, notice this and ask yourself why.
Why not kindness for yourself?
Also, take NO PRIDE in changing how and what you eat. This is NOT about feeling superior to others. Parenting oneself, caring for oneself is not a matter for pride, it is just something we do because we must do it; as a parent must care for their child. As you change your food choices to achieve self care, remember that Hitler was a vegetarian. If we judged one’s character based upon what they ate, we would be woefully woefully wrong.
1) What are your beliefs about moving your body?
Continue to stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of your process of change.
Group VI
In this group we cooked a meal together. We cooked and ate from Mary’s “Triad”: Protein/Vegetables/Whole Grains.
We had a feast of quinoa; Chinese style tofu and vegetables; Italian style tofu and vegetables; and for those who wished, sauteed shrimp with spinach. We also feasted on homemade crackers and guacamole dip; vegetarian chili beans; and a 3 bean salad. Dessert was a fresh assortment of berries and soy cream.
As we cooked we discussed easy and practical cooking tips, keeping it simple, and no need for fear!
As we ate we discussed how one knows what Satiety/Satisfaction feel like; how to know when to stop eating. And we discussed the process of becoming overweight: how one accommodates the body to slowly and continually being able to eat more. The slow progression of gastro-intestinal problems, aches and pains, poor lab results, dislike of movement, etc. And how likewise, in the reverse process of gaining a body of health, one must slowly and continually accommodate the new feelings of eating less, eating different choices. The things one must stay aware of in regard to what is placed in our mouths. Just as we stay quite aware of what is placed in our bodies, on our bodies.
Group VII
This group consisted of Mary doing individual assessments of each woman’s progress.
Nearly all of the eight women were able to fundamentally change their old, no-longer-useful negative self perceptions.
One of the women who felt “not good enough” was clearly able to see that: “There is no such thing as earning the right to be.” She is involved in a Course in Miracles and could thus state, with conviction: “Illusion recognized must disappear.”
One of women who believed that her entire life is chaos was able to sense a paradigm shift in her perceptions about stress. She had begun to recognize: the point that her stress begins in her day (vs. previously never recognizing stress, and automatically thinking the generalization that her entire life is chaos; and using food to numb to this overwhelming belief). She was now able to drink water, breathe deeply, read, walk, garden, and make better food choices as ways to deal with stress.
Several of the women stated what they are NO LONGER BUYING in the grocery store (ice cream, crackers, chips, chocolate, and white flour products, white rice and refined grain products).
Awareness of what you no longer eat is a wonderful way to see what you now allow into your being/for your being.
For the eighth and final session, the women were asked to respond to these questions:
1) Please state as specifically as you can, how your life has changed in the past eight weeks re: Your Body; Your Appetite/Cravings; Your Moods; Your Sense of Self and Your Love of Yourself.
2) Can you foresee things changing back to how you previously felt? How “ingrained” is your knowing that how you feel now is better?
3) How would you change the group process to improve your experience?
Group VIII
At this final session the women responded to the questions above, as well as reiterating the things they planned to do to continue their changes. And generally, Mary reminded them of the need to Parent Their Bodies: to eat well to create a healthy “cellular soup” for their mental as well as their physical health. To use deep breathing as a tool to relieve stress. To create new intentions and attitudes about loving yourself. To use Mirror Work and KINDNESS TO YOUR SOUL to allow you to totally remove guilt and self abnegation. AND, to take pleasure in eating and doing that which allows you to remain whole, vital, and alive.